We went to a splash park today with some friends. For a while we were the only ones there. The kids had fun running in the fountains and in the little streams. When I had decided we had about a half-hour left, some more mothers and their children came, mostly little girls in bright pink swimsuits.
I was sitting at a table while my friend pushed her sons in some swings. We were chatting back and forth. I looked over now and then to watch Madie running with another little girl through an arch that shot water into it's center. They seemed to be having fun, and I was very pleased that Madie was playing with someone she didn't really know--that's rare at best.
After they had been playing together for ten minutes or so, I looked over to see the little girl (who was quite a bit smaller than Madie--she looked about two) give her a good shove and yell at her. Madie stood there for a minute, probably trying to understand what happened. The little girl came up and pushed her again. She yelled at her and pushed her until Madie finally turned tail and ran to me. I heard the girl's mother say her name, but that was about all that happened: she wasn't called over for a discussion, she wasn't asked to say sorry, she wasn't even scolded. She just kept playing in the arch.
Madie was, understandably, upset. Here was our conversation:
"Mumma, she pushed me."
"I know, I saw. I'm sorry, honey. You know what you should do when kids push you?"
She shook her head.
"You should look at them and say, 'Don't push me. I don't like it.' Can you say it to me? Let's practice."
We practiced that a couple of times. Finally she felt better and headed back to the arch. Honestly, this surprised me. She's usually so shy that if anything at all embarrassing or even just surprising happens, she doesn't go near it. But as she got close to the arch, the little girl turned on her again and ran at her with a horrible face, screaming at the top of her lungs. Madie turned and ran back to me. Again, the little girl received no reprimand. This time I didn't even hear her mother call her name! What was this woman doing?!
I eventually convinced Madie to go back with me this time, promising her the little girl wouldn't do anything to her while I was present. I was right--the little girl laughed and played even close to us without ever turning on Madie. Madie was, of course, still wary, but she did have fun playing with me the last five minutes.
Mike and I don't want Madie to be so shy it keeps her from doing things she likes to do. And we'd like her to learn to stand up for herself without needing one of us there all the time. This was her first bullying incident, so obviously I wasn't expecting her to go in with guns blazing this time around. And what the little girl did, albeit unacceptable behavior, isn't even what bothers me the most, it was the mother! If the bully and victim were switched, and I had seen it (like she obviously did), I'd have Madie away from that splash park so fast she wouldn't know what hit her. And I'd have her apologize. The first time. And if it happened a second time we'd be gone. (Hey, I'm all about giving second chances. Just not third.)
5 comments:
sterling has had some bully behavior and we have tried to improve it, but with his speech delay it's been very hard. and we are still working on the hitting. if you wanted to you could talk with the girl about it or the mother, though i don't know if she would do much. hopefully madie will soon hold her own.
I have no problem stepping in and saying something to the bully if the parents aren't going to. Gentle correction is really all they need most of the time, especially that young. Older kids, on the other hand...grr.
Aidan reacted just like Maddie did the first time he was bullied. She's got a good mum, she'll learn to stand up for herself.
Yes, Nicole, I also have to correct Madie on a regular basis about her hitting. She never hits strangers, but she picks on the little boy I watch (I have him 10 hours a day, so their relationship is very much like an older sister-little brother). So I understand the little girl was just acting on impulse. It bothers me though that her mother didn't really do anything to correct her. I would talk with the mother about it, but I'll probably never see her again.
And Mel, I agree that I should have said something to the girl at least. Especially after the second time--I think encouraging Madie to go back the first time was a good move on my part (divine inspiration I guess). I guess I was just thinking I didn't want Madie to get used to me fighting her battles. But this young, and especially it being her first time, I definitely should have. I'll keep it in mind for next time.
It is so sad that even this young children are confronted by bullies. I'm so sad for Madie that this happened to her! I think I would feel the same as you do about it - that the lack of any reaction from the mother is the most infuriating part of it. I'm pretty sure my blood would be boiling. When Livie has done something I don't believe to be right or kind I always think it's important to correct her. I've had people tell me that she's young and it's okay but I don't agree. Even young children can learn appropriate behaviors.
I'm impressed that Madie went back to the arch on her own. I think you did a great job talking with Madie and teaching her how to respond in the future. We can't control what other people do, but we can control how we act and react.
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